Fear of flying, wine edition

I hate flying.  I hate the invasive, insulting security and check-in nonsense, all so far from our vision of easy-breezy travel years ago. 

I hate being crammed into steerage, especially when there's either a) a very fat, sprawling man next to me or b) an infant within 30 rows. 

I especially hate the wine you get in coach.  Wait -- they call that wine?

All that's missing is the skull & crossbones

 

I fly Delta a lot (goes to Italy, code shares with Alitalia, which I'll give anything not to fly) -- and their wine selections in coach are revolting.  They serve some muck called Fish Eye or Fish's Suppurating Entrails or something like that, the most horrible "red" and "white" "wines" this side of a vat of spoiled Yellowtail. 

Long ago I learnt not to drink that rot.  What do I drink to help wash down that delicious airline meal and fall asleep?

1. Rum.  Granted, it's Bacardi's standard-issue, industrial rum, but with some lime and tonic it does the job. 

2. Beer.  But only when the cabin temperature exceeds 110F.

3. Wine from Business Class.  Yes, for the same price (often nothing) as the rotgut.  And some of the B Class vino isn't half bad, especially when you're on a flight to Italy.  The odd thing is that the best ones on offer are usually French.  Somebody in Italy is falling down on the job. 

How do I manage this?

Well, for one thing, I usually sit far front in coach, sometimes a tantalizing foot or two from Business.  Also, I am unfailingly polite and pleasant to the flight staff.  I always say "thank you" or "grazie" and couch my requests in the most deferential manner.  This includes my request for better wine:  "Look, I don't mean to be a pain, but this [Fish Scales] stuff is really awful.  Would it be possible to get a glass of [whatever they're having up front]?  I'll pay extra for it."

My request has different results.  If the flight's packed, they say, "Sorry, I can't do that." But if the flight's less crowded and/or the flight attendant has a good sense of humor, she or he will say, "I'll be right back."  When they arrive with the better wine, I sip it and always breathe a grand sigh of relief.  "God bless you!"  We all chuckle and I'm set up for more glasses, usually gratis. 

Arrivederci and cheers!

Below: My favorite song with jet SFX

 

Download 101_back_in_the_u.S.S.R..m4a

Comments

[Lisa Qiu]

Damn, you know how to work that airplane wine and flirt shamelessly with flight attendants.

[Mo]

the lack of blogging in the last couple of days has me worried - what up what up?

[TH]

Molto busy.

[Marco]

Busy: read drunk on (not in) the Mezzogiorno. You must go further south, young man. They are finally going to build a bridge, but we'll be long dead by then.