I awoke this afternoon to a firestorm of email abuse. Friends and strangers alike upbraided me -- yes, upbraided me -- for kidding around at Alice Feiring's expense in yesterday's post. In my "alternative history of modern wine" I posited a what-if scenario in which everything that characterizes wine today, especially the highly touted stuff that costs a fortune, is turned upside down. Instead of Parker's being the Emperor of Wine I made an unnamed but obviously-Alice Alice the Wine Czarina. I framed it all with the opening line and closing line of 1984. All in good satirical fun. I even pulled my punches so as not to paint her as a sort of Mark Squires in skirt. Given the outcry, I shouldn't have bothered.
The cover of Alice's soon-to-be-released book. Order now at a toasty oaky discount from a spoofilated web retailer. Note the correct title. And the Heloise type face.
I thought it was funny. I really did. I thought people would appreciate the dystopian view of both the alternative world and our own actual one. Seems I was wrong.
While I deleted the emails without glancing at them, I did make the mistake of taking a call from a mutual friend (of Alice's and mine). He was furious. This is where I really got upbraided. Plus chided, chastised and generally ripped a new one.
As he sputtered at me after I'd answered the phone, I said, "Look, I love Alice. She's great! I was in one of my moods, OK, but you know what it's like when you're at Vinitaly. Gogogogogo. Everything is very concrete and specific. You drown in a wine-dark sea of details. You hunger for perspective. And I've been reading a lot of SF anthologies of alternative histories and universes. Plenty perspective. It's quite stimulating, you know."
"First of all, you don't need perspective because you haven't gone to Vinitaly yet! So you're full of shit. Furthermore, how dare you equate her with those wine Nazis at WA, WS and all the rest of them?! She's a real person with real feelings! I think you've devastated her, you insensitive moron!"
"Wine Nazis?" I laughed, scarcely believing my ears. "Are they as dangerous as the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld? Or just as funny in some pathetic way?" I let the insensitive moron part go. Wasn't about to touch that one.
"What did Alice ever do to you to deserve such vile, disrespectful treatment? She's a good person, and she knows way more about wine than you do, pal. You aren't good enough to tie her shoes. In the middle of a pig sty."
I tried to imagine why Alice, of all people, would even be in a pig sty. I pressed on. "She is and she does. I already told you I think she's great too. But, you know, sometimes she can go a little overboard. A little doctrinaire. You know what I mean."
A pause. He said a bit more calmly, "Oh I know. But that's no reason to calumniate her on your stupid blog. Think what people who might have wanted to read her book might say now. 'Oh, forget it, she sounds like a bitch. An egomaniacal little dictatress.' We already have Hillary Clinton and Bah Bush, for God's sake. Enough already."
Dictatress! How I love talking with PhD's.
"Well, one, in all fairness," I replied, "Alice has called herself the Wine Bitch. That was then but, on the Net, then is always now. And B, I thought it would be a fun way" -- note that I never use fun as an adjective unless I'm being sarcastic -- "to gin up a little interest in the book. The girl needs the money." In fact I never thought of such a thing when I sat down to spin my 'armless fantasy. Retrospectively and to save face, however, it seemed like a splendid idea to confess to such big-heartedness.
"You did this as a, as a guerrilla marketing attack?" His tone suggested that my "guerrilla attack" was the moral equivalent of blowing up housewives at a Baghdad market. "This is the limit!"
"Well. Forgive me for trying to help her. I wanted to leverage whatever I could to make people aware of the publication of Alice's long-awaited book. Although I know my attempt carries no weight because I wasn't even nominated for a Wine Blog Association award. But," I added with a nobly martyred tone, "I do what I can in my own inadequate little way."
Oh God it felt good to be on the offensive again!
"Well...if you did it for Alice Feiring and her new book..." My friend mulled. "I'm still pissed at you. But I suppose your heart was in the right place. You meant well..." He wasn't totally convinced. He wanted to be, though.
"Completely, dude, and no spoofilation."
I prayed that he wouldn't retort with something like, There's no such thing as NO spoofilation. But he didn't.
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