Get through airport security FAST

This is a public service post not for you, my sophisticated world-jaunting readers, but for your usually home-bound aunts, uncles, parents, dippy girlfriends or clueless slacker brothers, etc., etc.

I don't know exactly what it is, but modern airport security -- annoying and intrusive as it is, not to mention a witlessly literal reaction to jihadis (take my belt off??  what kind of explosive device could be in there?) -- can be prepared for and got through with something like a contemptuous efficiency. You know, "Take that, Homeland Security fearmongers!  Take that, moron shoe-bombers!"

Yet I observe, on my frequent forays to airports everywhere, most people dither and fuck up and make the tedious process even more tedious than it is. And it keeps me from quality time in the Crown Room lounge.  So listen up, people, because you've been pissing me off.

Would Pilgrims like all this?  Probably not.  Unless you were an Indian.

1. Put all of these items into your jacket or your purse, briefcase, etc., BEFORE you arrive at the security area:

Change

Wallet, including all your credit cards, Metrocards and such

iPods, cell phones and other electronics

Pills wrapped in paper-metallic packaging (think lactose pills)

I hope you get the idea: all of the metallic and electronic stuff you may carry in your pockets. Since your jacket, briefcase, purse, etc., must go on the conveyor belt, you kill a lot of annoying little sparrows with one efficient procedure.

2. Take that laptop out of the briefcase, stat.  To be fair, people carrying these are usually frequent flyers, so this advice is sort of unnecessary.  Still...

3. Take off your belt.  Just take it off.  

4. Wear slip-on -- really slip-off -- shoes.  When some dolt wearing complicated laceups and a track suit bends over to undo each clunky shoe, I find it hard to resist the temptation to kick him in the polyester ass.  Hurry up, asshole!  I don't succumb because free snacks and drinks await me.

Further helpful hint: if you're on a transoceanic flight, make sure the shoes you wear are a little big.  Your feet are gonna swell like crazy in both directions.  Also: if you can, wear thin woolen socks.  They absorb sweat and dispel odors far far better than cotton.  They make all the difference when the airline loses your luggage and you have to wear them for a couple of days; they dry out overnight if you're forced to wash them in the bathroom sink of your substandard hotel.

5. Put your passport and boarding pass in your back pants pocket. Otherwise you'll be wasting time digging it out of the container where all your ill-assorted junk lies.  And this will just hold your fellow passengers up and annoy the minimum-wage TSA employees.  And if you're on a domestic flight, have the sense to substitute "passport" with "photo ID."  Hint:  this is usually your driver's license.

The idea is to get through security fast, unmolested and cheerful. I swear, you follow all these steps just once, you'll be convinced.  And you'll be able to endure the constant indignities of Coach travel with somewhat more aplomb.